waiting on the edge

Pippin: It's so quiet.
Gandalf: It's the deep breath before the plunge.
Pippin: I don't want to be in a battle. But waiting on the edge of one I can't escape is even worse.
This scene in LOTR: Return of the King is absolutely chilling...as these two companions look out over the horizon, well aware of the coming evil that will bring death and destruction. Today I find myself on the edge of a reality I can't escape...my father has been re-admitted into the hospital, however this time they have found the cause of his ailment...a tumor.  It is on his right lung and they are not sure yet if it's cancer or not and we won't know anything until next week.  I visited him yesterday and in my entire 28 years of existence I have never seen him in this much pain.  I don't even know how to feel right now, I don't know if the fear I feel is legitimate or if I am jumping the gun on everything.  My instincts tell me that this is the beginning of the end and despite of the regrets I have about my relationship with him I can't imagine what life will be like without him.  He's not the type of person to be open about his fears, but it is killing me knowing that he is in that hospital by himself suffering the way that he is.  However, I find that I can't sit in that room for more than a couple of hours before I have to leave.  I don't know if I am capable of dealing with this, and perhaps that is my greatest fear of all. 

As to my own little battle with smoking...I'm still puffing away.  I have however scheduled an appointment with a new doctor who will write me a prescription for the patch rather than trying to place me on an anti-depressant.  I realize the stupidity that exists with my father in the hospital possibly dying from lung cancer and myself continuing to fill my lungs with the poison that is legally sold here within the grand U. S. of A. (as a side note I do accept all the blame for lighting up each and every stick I smoke, but I do believe these companies have a moral responsibility but then again moral responsibility is non-existent in a Capitalistic society.)

Well, this is where I am at right now...so December is starting off to be just a wonderful month.