My post-christmas, pre-new year post

Let's go ahead and start with Thursday, 12/22, as I stated in my previous post this is the day we were told officially that my dad has lung cancer. This day was supposed to be my payday of which I receive by the ole' reliable USPS, needless to say it didn't come on Thursday, nor on Friday I thought surely it would come on Saturday but I was wrong. This lead to us having to get some money fronted to us by dad and a mad rush on Saturday to finish up all of our shopping. It was pretty crazy but we pulled it off without any major fights or catastrophes.

Christmas Eve service at church was very good. Most of our college kids (you'll often hear me refer to them as my kids even though they are young adults) are in the praise band and they did just an excellent job. There is so much potential within these kids and I am just so excited to be working with them. I love the community we are a part of at Pine Forest it has been such a blessing, especially for me and my whole disillusionment with church thing.

Christmas Day was fun, I love to watch our kids open their gifts and to see the excitement on their faces. We had planned on going to the worship service at church, but had to change plans because dad was having a bad morning so I went over to his place to sit with him until we ate lunch. After lunch I pretty much passed out on the couch until it was time to leave and then at home I fell asleep early again watching The Princess Bride with the kids...must've been the two big glasses of whiskey and coke I had during the day.  On Monday we took the kids to see the Chronicles of Narnia. I absolutely loved the movie...Narnia is my new world I would love to escape to.

This week has been pretty uneventful, just working and everything. I have another three day weekend coming up and am looking forward to hopefully hanging out with Brian and Jesse on New Year's Eve.

Well, that's about it for now. I am really looking forward to this new year with just making progress personally, with our family and with Crazy Times...I believe many good things are on the horizon!!

My fucking month!!

So my father has lung cancer. I don't even know what to say, think or feel at this moment in time. I definitly don't want to be here at work but I have to be. My head is spinning and I don't want to have to deal with death at this time. I want to beat the crap out of my brother because he has yet to speak to my father. I JUST WANT TO FUCKING SCREAM!!!

My music

As we made our way home from Ohio I opened my new Garth Brooks box set, a Christmas gift from my in-laws, and my love for this man's music has been instantly renewed. I grew up listening to country music because in my Baptist home country music was on a higher moral plane than rock 'n roll...I never really understood this since country music spoke of drug and alcohol abuse and infidelity just as much as rock 'n roll but who really can understand the justifications of the Baptists. I have since given up listening to country music for many different reasons but mainly because of the whole songwriting issue. Most country stars don't write their own songs, for example Tim McGraw, so essentially they are just a pretty face who can sing well. I know this isn't the case for all country artists nor is the reverse true of all rock 'n roll artists but gone are the days of the country singer/songwriters. Garth happens to be a hybrid of the whole singer/songwriter...he has the capability but doesn't always write his own stuff.

This morning I watched some of the special DVD that is part of the box set and I just love it that GB is as big of fan of music as I am. I love hearing him talk about his emotional reaction to music because that's how music effects me. There were times in the last two days where I would hear a particular song, for instance The Dance, and I would just cry at the beauty of it. Here is a man that revolutionized the face of country music and rather than having an inflated ego he chooses to be a laid back country boy just happy to have had the chance to do something he loved to do.

Just one of many of my favorite lines from a GB song:
"Keep liftin' and a reachin' and ridin' like there ain't no clowns." - Fever

My weekend...

It's funny how you indirectly place a challenge in front of God, not really expecting it to happen and then out of nowhere He blows your hair back. Last Thursday I told Lauren if she could find a decently priced plane ticket she could sell our old red truck, given to us by two wonderful friends Danny & Meaghan, and use that money to purchase a ticket and fly up to Ohio for the weekend. Unfortunately, there was not a single flight open. I knew that ultimately Lauren would be understanding if she couldn't attend the funeral, but I also knew how important it was for her to be up there not only for herself but also for her family.

So Thursday night I told her that if she could sell the truck for $500 (there was already an old man wanting to buy it) I would be willing to rent a car and take time off work to make the whirlwind trip to Ohio. I was completely sincere in my offer, I just didn't have any hope that this guy would actually pay what we wanted. There I was telling God if this is what we are supposed to do then let this guy purchase the truck for this specific amount. I didn't present this challenge in a defiant manner but more of a confirmation/fleece thing. Wouldn't you know it on Friday the guy interested in the truck came over and I explained to him the situation and said I couldn't take less than $500 and he just said, "I'll be back in 30 minutes with your cash." I just stood there dumbfounded and just thought to myself "Shit! I have to drive to Ohio now." Once again my reaction wasn't because I was unhappy to make the drive but more that I just hadn't prepared myself for this possibility.

The whirlwind trip began at 5:30pm Friday and came to a close at about 5:00am Tuesday morning. The driving took a lot out of me but thankfully Lauren let me sleep most of the day yesterday so I was able to recoup. The service was nice and not as emotionally taxing as it could've been and it was good see family again.

Came back with some cool stuff...nice gifts from Megan and Derek and the new Garth Brooks box set from Lauren's parents. More to come on the box set later.

Praise to the Almighty for a safe and meaningful trip and for just surprising the crap out of me.

I couldn't have said this any better...

Check out this article <http://www.bsnews.org/articles/085>!! I can’t help but think that if God held a press conference this is exactly how it would go down. I know we’re supposed to love our enemies but can’t we make an exception for Pat Robertson?  I cringe every time I hear or see his name mentioned in the news…how do people continue to take this guy seriously!!?? 

Favorite quote of the article:
“I’m tired of this dumbass tarnishing My good name. There are people out there who actually think I’m like Pat Robertson describes, all murderous and full of vengeance and stuff. ”

My grief

The old bastard has been lingering around for quite a while and he has finally stepped up and shown his ugly face. Lauren's nana went home to be with her creator this morning. There is pain, sadness and tears but there is also joy, hope and laughing for we know that while death has his temporal moment  in the spotlight it quickly fades because we know that death has no eternal victory for the children of the Almighty...but god does it suck to have to deal with!!

It is so hard for me to sit at my desk today and do this meaningless job while all this other stuff is going on, but this is the world in which we live.

How long Lord must we wait? How long Lord until you heal us?

My day off

So, Lauren's nana will probably not live out the day, her other grandmother is still in ICU and the doctors still have no clue as to what my father has (they are pretty sure it's not cancer though). All of this coupled with the fact that I am fresh out of the "good stuff".

God you know what my biggest addiction is right now...escaping! I hate this real world so much it makes me sick! Everyday there is a new tragedy, everyday I hear something that just pisses me off, everday I have to make myself go to work a meaningless job wondering if I am really compromising my ideals. So what do I do at night and on my days off? That's right, I escape. Whether it's through movies, music, alcohol, pot whatever will help forget about this fuckin' shitty world we exist in.

Many times I wish I didn't have these issues...why can't I just be like everyone else I work with who doesn't mind selling the 85 year old grandmothers or the single mother with four kids high-speed internet when they can barely afford to live...why do I feel like I'm not doing enough for the Kingdom of God and the greater good of humanity...why can't I just be like those people who either don't care or are willingly blind to the reality around them?

I don't know what's better the blue pill or the red one!

I need music right now...lets see what I can find...

Ah, here we go. Cat Stevens is my friend, I love Lauren for helping me to realize this man's music. I tell you what I don't care if this is a clash of worldviews but I absolutly love Peace Train...it makes me smile and cry all at the same time.

Cause out on the edge of darkness, there rides a peace train
Oh peace train take this country, come take me again

Next song.

Alright, quite a bit different genre here but Kayne West's song Jesus Walks stirs so much emotion within me. Does God just love it when a person creates something so open and honest? I like to think He does. Why are so many Christians afraid of this type of honest reflection of a person's faith? I just don't get it. They'd rather have their superficial, CCM approved music so that they can feel good about themself.

I can't do it!

I want to know, really know Him...I want to know the love that He has...I want to see the miraculuos changes that can happen if we just have the real love that Christ talked about.

God, I am so tired now.

(Jesus Walks)
God show me the way because the Devil try to break me down
(Jesus Walks with me)
The only thing that I pray is that my feet don't fail me now
(Jesus Walks)
And I don't think there’s nothing I can do to right my wrong
(Jesus Walks with me)
I wanna talk to God but I'm afraid cause we ain't spoke in so long

a report from the very pit of hell on earth...

I am at work at this very moment, doing my best to balance the whole customer service but aggressive salesman thing.  This company thinks it should be so easy to make these customers feel all warm and happy but at the same time pressure them to purchase everything we offer.  With each passing day my disdain for capitalism becomes greater and greater.  I realize that yes as a "theory" capitalism may be great, but in a world filled with depraved human beings it is the farthest thing from Christianity as you can get. 

waiting on the edge

Pippin: It's so quiet.
Gandalf: It's the deep breath before the plunge.
Pippin: I don't want to be in a battle. But waiting on the edge of one I can't escape is even worse.
This scene in LOTR: Return of the King is absolutely chilling...as these two companions look out over the horizon, well aware of the coming evil that will bring death and destruction. Today I find myself on the edge of a reality I can't escape...my father has been re-admitted into the hospital, however this time they have found the cause of his ailment...a tumor.  It is on his right lung and they are not sure yet if it's cancer or not and we won't know anything until next week.  I visited him yesterday and in my entire 28 years of existence I have never seen him in this much pain.  I don't even know how to feel right now, I don't know if the fear I feel is legitimate or if I am jumping the gun on everything.  My instincts tell me that this is the beginning of the end and despite of the regrets I have about my relationship with him I can't imagine what life will be like without him.  He's not the type of person to be open about his fears, but it is killing me knowing that he is in that hospital by himself suffering the way that he is.  However, I find that I can't sit in that room for more than a couple of hours before I have to leave.  I don't know if I am capable of dealing with this, and perhaps that is my greatest fear of all. 

As to my own little battle with smoking...I'm still puffing away.  I have however scheduled an appointment with a new doctor who will write me a prescription for the patch rather than trying to place me on an anti-depressant.  I realize the stupidity that exists with my father in the hospital possibly dying from lung cancer and myself continuing to fill my lungs with the poison that is legally sold here within the grand U. S. of A. (as a side note I do accept all the blame for lighting up each and every stick I smoke, but I do believe these companies have a moral responsibility but then again moral responsibility is non-existent in a Capitalistic society.)

Well, this is where I am at right now...so December is starting off to be just a wonderful month.

Well...

I've bummed my first smoke of the day. I was on this last call for at least an hour trying to explain to this person why their bill was so high and she just wouldn't understand. Out of all the jobs I ever had this is by far the most stressful. I'm thinking I will need some kind of help with this quiting smoking venture, like a strong dose of the patch or something. It is so weird to me how our bodies get addicted to something you always thought you could live without and before you know it you can't handle anything without injecting some of that drug (in my case nicotene) into your body to calm your nerves.

This just sucks!!!

Lets see if this works

Alright well I have been at work for a little over two and a half hours, an hour of which we didn't have any calls coming in....so good news is no calls no stressful situations which would increase my desire for nicotine, bad news is I have a big fat 0 as far as sales.

All I have to do is make through the rest of today and tomorrow and then I am looking at four days off!!

More to come later...

And so it begins

Day 1:
How pathetic is this, before I even rolled out of bed this morning I thought to myself, "man I wish I could have a smoke right now." This may turn out to be a very long day...we'll see what happens.

Frail...

Physically, spiritually, emotionally frail. Left to ourselves, we all are any one of these. It has been four days since my father was discharged from the hospital and I continue to be haunted by the same dream since he initially went it...myself laying in a hospital bead unable to breathe on my own, wishing I could go outside with my children and play with them.

Now I don't know if my dad even brushed up against death while he was in the hospital, but I feel that this is just the beginning of what will be many hospital admissions for him until he departs this life. He's only sixty-five and he told me that he knows he won't live to be very much older.

God! I don't want that to be me. For the past eight years I have let my frailty get the best of me...and it is very much all my fault. I choose to eat fast-food, to not excercise, to light up a smoke whenever I feel stressed or for just the hell of it. Why can I not make the right choice or am I just too stuborn to make the right choice. I have made too many promises, too many quick responses of "I'm going to quit" as soon as this or that happens.

Well, tomorrow I will once again embark on the wearisome journey of quiting smoking. I have one more left, which I am saving for just the right moment this evening, and that will be it...I hope.

I need to do this...I need to be strong...Father grant me the strength I need and the wisdom to make better choices concerning my frail being.

Let me tell ya...

I absolutely love the tv show Scrubs!! I just realized that the title I chose for this blog "My Crazy Times" is just like the episode titles of the show e.g. my monster, my tcw but I swear that was not my intention when I chose it. It was chosen for a whole different other reason, which I'll get into later. You see I've been watching the 2nd season and it is just one the funniest shows...and Zach Braff is definitely moving up the favorite actor list...maybe not top five yet but definitely pushing it.

Anyway, that's it.

Everything that I post on here doesn't have to always be deep, brooding, angst driven drivel....Does it?

Fresh Start

There's a lot that sucks about life, but there happens to be a lot that makes it worth living. At times I know it is difficult to think of the good things, so lets just start out with one this morning...regardless of how I lived my life up till this point I can make the conscience decision to change things. Granted, this is no easy task but it is possible. So for today I have made the decision to live differently...aware of the crap around me, the despair I feel at work and just the overall saddness of living in a fallen world, but with the realization that my Father has brought hope into this world.