My Week

It's Friday evening, 7:38pm and this week from hell is finally coming to an end. While the actual Viewing and Service for my father went well, it was all the shit in between that was driving me crazy! Just like many families, my family is dysfunctional. My father was married and had two sons before he married my mom and had myself and my siblings. So we had both sides of the family here including BOTH ex-wives. My father left the youngest of his children, my sister, as the executor of his will, which is just fine with me because I wouldn't want the stress, but my half-brother feels slighted. Needless to say there has just been a lot of immature fighting on both sides and then people get mad at me because I refuse to jump in. I just have had no emotional energy to waste on fighting this week.

Anyway, like I said...week from HELL!! But it's over now. The service today was great! Some of my college kids from church played and sung and they just did an outstanding job. I was able to make it through my little talking part without completely breaking down. Here's the text of what I had to say:

I read I Corinthians 13 (The Message)

It wasn'’t until Monday night, after having almost a full day to process the passing of my father, that verses 9 & 10 of this chapter really jumped out at me. Let me read just those two verses again:

9. We know only a portion of the truth, and what we say about God is always incomplete.
10. But when the Complete arrives, our incompletes will be canceled.

Many times we as Christians feel like we have to have definitive answers concerning every aspect of our faith leaving no room for mystery, but there is mystery and we should embrace it. Perhaps one of the greatest mysteries of our faith is love, the complete and perfect love of Jesus Christ. Our present understanding of love has been warped by both society and the Church.

Throughout scripture love is the constant theme: it was in love that Adam and Eve were created, it was love that gave mankind a second chance through Noah, it was because of love that our Creator was born of flesh and it was love that ultimately nailed Jesus to the cross.

My father loved his God and he loved people. Some of my strongest memories of my dad were the times I would see him cry. I didn'’t know it at the time but those moments had a profound impact on my life in teaching me that it's ok to weep. My father may not have always expressed his love with words and while he lived here on this earth his love certainly wasn't perfect or complete. However, we can rejoice because now not only is his body complete, not only is his sickness completely gone but he now knows the complete love of our Savior and my father's love is now perfect and complete, his incompletes have been canceled out by the perfect love of Christ.

Love is not a simple concept, in fact it may be perhaps one of the most difficult aspects of our faith. Think about it, it'’s much easier to hate those that hate you, it's much easier to despise those that have a different ideology than yourself, it's much easier to declare war against those that would wish to harm you. Christ made it extremely clear that there is always a third way and that third way is the way of love. When asked to break down all of the Old Testament law into the greatest commandment Christ responded with, "Love the Lord your God with all your passion and prayer and muscle and intelligence -- and that you love your neighbor as well as you do yourself."

There's the chorus of a song that sums up just how difficult love is:

'Cause love is different than you'd think.
It's never in a song or on a TV screen
And love is harder than a word
Said at the right time and everything's alright
Love is different than you think.

Until we are face to face with our Savior we will never know the complete, perfect love that Christ spoke about, but it is imperative that we do our best to live it as best as we can until that time comes.

13But for right now, until that completeness, we have three things to do to lead us toward that consummation: Trust steadily in God, hope unswervingly, love extravagantly. And the best of the three is love.
_______________________________________________________________

I first began thinking about what I would say at my father's funeral the moment I learned he had cancer. It wasn't a morbid thing but I just didn't want to get up and spew out some sentimental b.s. because that's what you do at funerals. I admit I had issues with my father up until the day he died. These weren't issues that kept me from speaking to him, at least for not great periods of time, I didn't love him less than my other siblings. I just refuse to sugarcoat my childhood and pretend like things didn't happen.

I don't know. Maybe I am being an ass??? It wouldn't be the first time nor will it probably be the last. I do miss my dad and I loved him very much. It's still just so hard for me to think he's actually gone...that I can't just pick up a phone and actually here him bitchin' about something. :-)

I do believe he is a Christian. I believe he was way off on a lot of things and he was the type of Christian absolutelyes me absolutly crazy but he knew he was a sinner and needed the love of his Savior to rescue him from that.

Well, that's it for now. I promised myself a couple glasses of Jack & Coke tonight but I am already feeling sleepy so it will have to wait until tomorrow.

My Grief

This morning between 4-5am my father passed from this world into the next. It happened fast and was at least unexpected so soon. I can't really believe he's gone. I've had my moments this morning from tears to anger. In my preparation for my father's death, because I knew it would come at some point this year, I had convinced myself I wouldn't have any regrets or guilt...but damn it all because the regret and guilt hit me like a fuckin' hurricane this morning.

I spoke to my father briefly as they were putting him in the ambulance this morning. I asked him how he was and he said he was ok and that they were taking him to Sacred Heart. I assumed he was having a panic attack, he had been getting those lately so much so that the doctor had prescribed what my dad affectionatly called his "crazy pills", so from there I drove to the hospital because I knew my sister was already there waiting. I regret that I didn't tell him I loved him one last time. It wasn't a mean thing I just thought everything for the most part was ok.

This is going to be one long week.

I miss my dad.

I know now that he is in the presence of our Savior. I don't want this to be a cliche idea for me. I want to live my life this week with the full realization of this truth.

THE VALLEY SONG
(SING OF YOUR MERCY)

You have led me to the sadness
i have carried this pain
on a back bruised, nearly broken
i'm crying out to You

i will sing of Your mercy
that leads me through valleys of sorrow
to rivers of joy

when death, like a gypsy
comes to steal what i love
i will still look to the heavens
i will still seek your face
but i fear You aren't listening
because there are no words
just the stillness
and the hunger
for a faith that assures

i will sing of Your mercy
that leads me through valleys of sorrow
to rivers of joy

alleluia, alleluia
alleluia, alleluia

while we wait for rescue
with our eyes tightly shut
face to the ground using our hands
to cover the fatal cut
though the pain is an ocean
tossing us around, around, around
You have calmed greater waters
higher mountains have come down

i will sing of Your mercy
that leads me through valleys of sorrow
to rivers of joy
i will sing of Your mercy
that leads me through valleys of sorrow
to rivers of joy
alleluia, alleluia
alleluia, alleluia


Words and music by Aaron Sands, Dan Haseltine, Charlie Lowell, Stephen Mason,and Matt Odmark (C) 2003 Innocent Smith/ASCP )adm. by The Loving Company)/Bridge Building Music, Inc. /Pogostick Music (BMI). All rights administered by Brentwood-Benson Music Publishing, Inc. All rights reserved. Used by permission.

My absence

It has been over a month since my last post. I'm not sure why I haven't had the energy to sit down and write, but I haven't felt normal for the last few months. Some of it has to do with depression over my job situation but for the most part I have once again been struggling with life in general and just wanting my life to be meaningful in this F'd up world in which we live.

I fully admit I spend too much time thinking and worrying about things I have no control over and the simple thing to do would be to give it over to God but sometimes it's just not that simple.

Well, here I am again. There hasn't been one specific victorious moment but I have felt the gentle touch of my Father pushing me forward, encouraging me in a way that only He knows how.

On a sidenote I am quite impressed with my friend Jack who has taken a liking to this whole blog thing and at times has had some lively discussion...so check him out. As if there is anyone really reading this drivel of mine anyways.

My News

Over the last couple of years there have been a handful of times when my wife and I thought we might be expecting another baby. Each time it turned out to be Lauren's body playing tricks on us. So last month when she was late I didn't give it a second thought...turns out God had something else in store for us.
Yesterday, Thursday Feb. 9th, 2006, Lauren and I found out that we will be having our third child! After five years we will be re-entering a life of diapers, baby food & sweet baby smells. While this is very unexpected we are both very excited about this new adventure.

My Top Five List

Top five actors/celebrities I'd like to go drinking with: ( in no particular order)
1. Jason Lee
2. Robert Downey Jr. (if he still drinks)
3. Zach Braff
4. Bradley Whitford
5. Al Pacino

My article

Times Like These

“It’s times like these we learn to love again.” - Foo Fighters

Why, in a city littered with multi-million dollar facilities constructed in the name of God, is there only one non-government funded shelter striving to meet the needs of the homeless community? Only recently has this shelter gained any bit of recognition, the sole reason for which is the recent instruction to cease and desist operation because of fire and health code violations. To the community’s credit Heavenly Blessings has received an outpouring of support in recent days, but that doesn’t change the fact that in allowing this situation to come to a head, the Greater Church in Pensacola has seriously overlooked a community of people that their faith commands them to care for.

In the Gospel of Luke there is a parable of a shrewd manager who is fired for cheating his master out of money. Upon being fired, the manager devises a way in which he thinks he will gain favor with the community. He calls in those who are indebted to the master and offers to lower their debts by a certain amount. When the master learns of what his ex-manager has done, instead of punishing him further, the master actually praises the shrewd manager for his actions. For without knowing it, the shrewd manager brought honor to the master by lowering those debts --after all, the people believed the manager to still be working under the command of his master.

Admittedly this is not one of the easier parables to comprehend throughout the Gospels, but the message revealed is one that the Church, regardless of denomination, would do well to take to heart. By being shrewd--defined as being acute in perception and sound in judgment--with the resources we have been given, not only are those who live in poverty taken care of but honor is brought to the Master.

To restate the original question: “Is the Church being shrewd or using sound judgment with its resources by spending millions on facilities when there is a community of over 9,000 in Escambia County that do not have a place to lay their head?”

The success of the Church cannot and should not be measured by the size of a congregation or the splendor of it’s buildings, but rather by how effectively we demonstrate the love of Christ to everyone, regardless of age, race, sex or social status.

"A new command I give to you: Love one another." Let us love, because He first loved us; and when we are asked to give an account of that love, then we get to point to Jesus. To quote Brennan Manning, author of The Gentle Revolutionaries, love "is the only sign given by Jesus by which the disciple would be recognized." If we wait for the world to notice how holy we are by the size of our congregations or our state-of-the-art facilities, we'll wait for a long, long time.

Pensacola will always have those that are in need, but with as many people of faith that are here we should never be facing the situation we currently are, where a shelter could potentially have to close it’s doors because of a lack of resources.

My theology

You scored as Neo orthodox. You are neo-orthodox. You reject the human-centredness and scepticism of liberal theology, but neither do you go to the other extreme and make the Bible the central issue for faith. You believe that Christ is God's most important revelation to humanity, and the Trinity is hugely important in your theology. The Bible is also important because it points us to the revelation of Christ. You are influenced by Karl Barth and P T Forsyth. Neo orthodox 68% Emergent/Postmodern 68% Evangelical Holiness/Wesleyan 64% Classical Liberal 57% Charismatic/Pentecostal 54% Modern Liberal 46% Roman Catholic 43% Reformed Evangelical 32% Fundamentalist 21% What's your theological worldview? created with QuizFarm.com

My depression

God I feel like a dark curtain is hanging over me. I don't want to get out of bed in the mornings, I just can't seem to get motivated to do anything. Today is my first day back in the office since last Friday, I can't keep doing this my paychecks just can't handle it!  The hardest part about all of this is that I don't know how to cope with it.  I know there are people I can talk to but I don't really know what to say. 

I feel like shit!  I am tired of going through the motions of life each and every day!  I want to be used by God to do great things with our college group but I don't know how the fuck to motivate them to do anything!  I am tired of being fat but I can't seem to find the will power to exercise more than I do! 

These are all just a sampling of what's going on inside of me right now...oh and to top it all off I get to watch my father slowly die for the next 6-10 months.  I want to have a talk with him about God and the abundant life and all of that, but I'm not even sure what the hell that means! 

I don't like feeling this way but I can't see any light in front me.

My post-christmas, pre-new year post

Let's go ahead and start with Thursday, 12/22, as I stated in my previous post this is the day we were told officially that my dad has lung cancer. This day was supposed to be my payday of which I receive by the ole' reliable USPS, needless to say it didn't come on Thursday, nor on Friday I thought surely it would come on Saturday but I was wrong. This lead to us having to get some money fronted to us by dad and a mad rush on Saturday to finish up all of our shopping. It was pretty crazy but we pulled it off without any major fights or catastrophes.

Christmas Eve service at church was very good. Most of our college kids (you'll often hear me refer to them as my kids even though they are young adults) are in the praise band and they did just an excellent job. There is so much potential within these kids and I am just so excited to be working with them. I love the community we are a part of at Pine Forest it has been such a blessing, especially for me and my whole disillusionment with church thing.

Christmas Day was fun, I love to watch our kids open their gifts and to see the excitement on their faces. We had planned on going to the worship service at church, but had to change plans because dad was having a bad morning so I went over to his place to sit with him until we ate lunch. After lunch I pretty much passed out on the couch until it was time to leave and then at home I fell asleep early again watching The Princess Bride with the kids...must've been the two big glasses of whiskey and coke I had during the day.  On Monday we took the kids to see the Chronicles of Narnia. I absolutely loved the movie...Narnia is my new world I would love to escape to.

This week has been pretty uneventful, just working and everything. I have another three day weekend coming up and am looking forward to hopefully hanging out with Brian and Jesse on New Year's Eve.

Well, that's about it for now. I am really looking forward to this new year with just making progress personally, with our family and with Crazy Times...I believe many good things are on the horizon!!

My fucking month!!

So my father has lung cancer. I don't even know what to say, think or feel at this moment in time. I definitly don't want to be here at work but I have to be. My head is spinning and I don't want to have to deal with death at this time. I want to beat the crap out of my brother because he has yet to speak to my father. I JUST WANT TO FUCKING SCREAM!!!

My music

As we made our way home from Ohio I opened my new Garth Brooks box set, a Christmas gift from my in-laws, and my love for this man's music has been instantly renewed. I grew up listening to country music because in my Baptist home country music was on a higher moral plane than rock 'n roll...I never really understood this since country music spoke of drug and alcohol abuse and infidelity just as much as rock 'n roll but who really can understand the justifications of the Baptists. I have since given up listening to country music for many different reasons but mainly because of the whole songwriting issue. Most country stars don't write their own songs, for example Tim McGraw, so essentially they are just a pretty face who can sing well. I know this isn't the case for all country artists nor is the reverse true of all rock 'n roll artists but gone are the days of the country singer/songwriters. Garth happens to be a hybrid of the whole singer/songwriter...he has the capability but doesn't always write his own stuff.

This morning I watched some of the special DVD that is part of the box set and I just love it that GB is as big of fan of music as I am. I love hearing him talk about his emotional reaction to music because that's how music effects me. There were times in the last two days where I would hear a particular song, for instance The Dance, and I would just cry at the beauty of it. Here is a man that revolutionized the face of country music and rather than having an inflated ego he chooses to be a laid back country boy just happy to have had the chance to do something he loved to do.

Just one of many of my favorite lines from a GB song:
"Keep liftin' and a reachin' and ridin' like there ain't no clowns." - Fever

My weekend...

It's funny how you indirectly place a challenge in front of God, not really expecting it to happen and then out of nowhere He blows your hair back. Last Thursday I told Lauren if she could find a decently priced plane ticket she could sell our old red truck, given to us by two wonderful friends Danny & Meaghan, and use that money to purchase a ticket and fly up to Ohio for the weekend. Unfortunately, there was not a single flight open. I knew that ultimately Lauren would be understanding if she couldn't attend the funeral, but I also knew how important it was for her to be up there not only for herself but also for her family.

So Thursday night I told her that if she could sell the truck for $500 (there was already an old man wanting to buy it) I would be willing to rent a car and take time off work to make the whirlwind trip to Ohio. I was completely sincere in my offer, I just didn't have any hope that this guy would actually pay what we wanted. There I was telling God if this is what we are supposed to do then let this guy purchase the truck for this specific amount. I didn't present this challenge in a defiant manner but more of a confirmation/fleece thing. Wouldn't you know it on Friday the guy interested in the truck came over and I explained to him the situation and said I couldn't take less than $500 and he just said, "I'll be back in 30 minutes with your cash." I just stood there dumbfounded and just thought to myself "Shit! I have to drive to Ohio now." Once again my reaction wasn't because I was unhappy to make the drive but more that I just hadn't prepared myself for this possibility.

The whirlwind trip began at 5:30pm Friday and came to a close at about 5:00am Tuesday morning. The driving took a lot out of me but thankfully Lauren let me sleep most of the day yesterday so I was able to recoup. The service was nice and not as emotionally taxing as it could've been and it was good see family again.

Came back with some cool stuff...nice gifts from Megan and Derek and the new Garth Brooks box set from Lauren's parents. More to come on the box set later.

Praise to the Almighty for a safe and meaningful trip and for just surprising the crap out of me.

I couldn't have said this any better...

Check out this article <http://www.bsnews.org/articles/085>!! I can’t help but think that if God held a press conference this is exactly how it would go down. I know we’re supposed to love our enemies but can’t we make an exception for Pat Robertson?  I cringe every time I hear or see his name mentioned in the news…how do people continue to take this guy seriously!!?? 

Favorite quote of the article:
“I’m tired of this dumbass tarnishing My good name. There are people out there who actually think I’m like Pat Robertson describes, all murderous and full of vengeance and stuff. ”

My grief

The old bastard has been lingering around for quite a while and he has finally stepped up and shown his ugly face. Lauren's nana went home to be with her creator this morning. There is pain, sadness and tears but there is also joy, hope and laughing for we know that while death has his temporal moment  in the spotlight it quickly fades because we know that death has no eternal victory for the children of the Almighty...but god does it suck to have to deal with!!

It is so hard for me to sit at my desk today and do this meaningless job while all this other stuff is going on, but this is the world in which we live.

How long Lord must we wait? How long Lord until you heal us?

My day off

So, Lauren's nana will probably not live out the day, her other grandmother is still in ICU and the doctors still have no clue as to what my father has (they are pretty sure it's not cancer though). All of this coupled with the fact that I am fresh out of the "good stuff".

God you know what my biggest addiction is right now...escaping! I hate this real world so much it makes me sick! Everyday there is a new tragedy, everyday I hear something that just pisses me off, everday I have to make myself go to work a meaningless job wondering if I am really compromising my ideals. So what do I do at night and on my days off? That's right, I escape. Whether it's through movies, music, alcohol, pot whatever will help forget about this fuckin' shitty world we exist in.

Many times I wish I didn't have these issues...why can't I just be like everyone else I work with who doesn't mind selling the 85 year old grandmothers or the single mother with four kids high-speed internet when they can barely afford to live...why do I feel like I'm not doing enough for the Kingdom of God and the greater good of humanity...why can't I just be like those people who either don't care or are willingly blind to the reality around them?

I don't know what's better the blue pill or the red one!

I need music right now...lets see what I can find...

Ah, here we go. Cat Stevens is my friend, I love Lauren for helping me to realize this man's music. I tell you what I don't care if this is a clash of worldviews but I absolutly love Peace Train...it makes me smile and cry all at the same time.

Cause out on the edge of darkness, there rides a peace train
Oh peace train take this country, come take me again

Next song.

Alright, quite a bit different genre here but Kayne West's song Jesus Walks stirs so much emotion within me. Does God just love it when a person creates something so open and honest? I like to think He does. Why are so many Christians afraid of this type of honest reflection of a person's faith? I just don't get it. They'd rather have their superficial, CCM approved music so that they can feel good about themself.

I can't do it!

I want to know, really know Him...I want to know the love that He has...I want to see the miraculuos changes that can happen if we just have the real love that Christ talked about.

God, I am so tired now.

(Jesus Walks)
God show me the way because the Devil try to break me down
(Jesus Walks with me)
The only thing that I pray is that my feet don't fail me now
(Jesus Walks)
And I don't think there’s nothing I can do to right my wrong
(Jesus Walks with me)
I wanna talk to God but I'm afraid cause we ain't spoke in so long

a report from the very pit of hell on earth...

I am at work at this very moment, doing my best to balance the whole customer service but aggressive salesman thing.  This company thinks it should be so easy to make these customers feel all warm and happy but at the same time pressure them to purchase everything we offer.  With each passing day my disdain for capitalism becomes greater and greater.  I realize that yes as a "theory" capitalism may be great, but in a world filled with depraved human beings it is the farthest thing from Christianity as you can get. 

waiting on the edge

Pippin: It's so quiet.
Gandalf: It's the deep breath before the plunge.
Pippin: I don't want to be in a battle. But waiting on the edge of one I can't escape is even worse.
This scene in LOTR: Return of the King is absolutely chilling...as these two companions look out over the horizon, well aware of the coming evil that will bring death and destruction. Today I find myself on the edge of a reality I can't escape...my father has been re-admitted into the hospital, however this time they have found the cause of his ailment...a tumor.  It is on his right lung and they are not sure yet if it's cancer or not and we won't know anything until next week.  I visited him yesterday and in my entire 28 years of existence I have never seen him in this much pain.  I don't even know how to feel right now, I don't know if the fear I feel is legitimate or if I am jumping the gun on everything.  My instincts tell me that this is the beginning of the end and despite of the regrets I have about my relationship with him I can't imagine what life will be like without him.  He's not the type of person to be open about his fears, but it is killing me knowing that he is in that hospital by himself suffering the way that he is.  However, I find that I can't sit in that room for more than a couple of hours before I have to leave.  I don't know if I am capable of dealing with this, and perhaps that is my greatest fear of all. 

As to my own little battle with smoking...I'm still puffing away.  I have however scheduled an appointment with a new doctor who will write me a prescription for the patch rather than trying to place me on an anti-depressant.  I realize the stupidity that exists with my father in the hospital possibly dying from lung cancer and myself continuing to fill my lungs with the poison that is legally sold here within the grand U. S. of A. (as a side note I do accept all the blame for lighting up each and every stick I smoke, but I do believe these companies have a moral responsibility but then again moral responsibility is non-existent in a Capitalistic society.)

Well, this is where I am at right now...so December is starting off to be just a wonderful month.

Well...

I've bummed my first smoke of the day. I was on this last call for at least an hour trying to explain to this person why their bill was so high and she just wouldn't understand. Out of all the jobs I ever had this is by far the most stressful. I'm thinking I will need some kind of help with this quiting smoking venture, like a strong dose of the patch or something. It is so weird to me how our bodies get addicted to something you always thought you could live without and before you know it you can't handle anything without injecting some of that drug (in my case nicotene) into your body to calm your nerves.

This just sucks!!!

Lets see if this works

Alright well I have been at work for a little over two and a half hours, an hour of which we didn't have any calls coming in....so good news is no calls no stressful situations which would increase my desire for nicotine, bad news is I have a big fat 0 as far as sales.

All I have to do is make through the rest of today and tomorrow and then I am looking at four days off!!

More to come later...

And so it begins

Day 1:
How pathetic is this, before I even rolled out of bed this morning I thought to myself, "man I wish I could have a smoke right now." This may turn out to be a very long day...we'll see what happens.